Sunday, April 8, 2012

Shea Weber True Facts

Predators’ all-star defenseman, Shea Weber, has become the stuff of legends in the hockey world. Whether for his 105 mph slap shot, winning the Gold Medal with Team Canada in the 2010 Olympics, intense physical play, shooting a puck so hard that it literally ripped through a hockey net (an extremely rare feat), broken bones suffered by players struck by his shot, or growing the fiercest of playoff beards known to man, Shea has taken on near super-human status amongst players and fans alike.

The Brenthrax website in Canada has built this file of “Shea Weber True Facts” that is quite hilarious. Here are some of my favorites from the compilation:

He is the reason Chuck Norris won't even ice skate.

He hides the bodies under the ice.

He froze Hell over. It's now called Bridgestone Arena.

When Superman was asked if he could have one super power he said "Shea Weber's Shot.”

He has crossed the point of no return – on several occasions.

In his games there are no winners or losers... only survivors.

He charges other teams admission to the games. They pay it.

He's the Preds’ Captain only because Supreme Allied Commander was not allowed by the league.

He's caused other teams to make a goalie switch... in games where he wasn't playing.

He's knocked teams out of the playoffs. Literally knocked them out.

Opposing team’s goalies now wear Kevlar.

He shaves his beard with bear mace and a ninja sword.

Catfish aren't actually thrown to the ice... they're spawning in his beard.

Referees call him sir.

He scored three goals with two slapshots and the first shot hit the cross bar.

He plays forward, skating backwards.

His stick is made of titanium. He snapped it in half.

Chuck Norris lists him as next of kin.

Nashville fans have to be loud in order to be heard over him thinking.

History is not made. It is determined by Shea Weber at the time and place of his choosing.

His beard plays football under the name "Troy Polamalu.”

He wasn't drafted by Nashville. He drafted them.

His beard was selected at the All-Star Game before Phil Kessell.

As a baby, his playpen was referred to as "Thunderdome.”

Opponents have been cross-checked by his shadow.

Fought Rocky Balboa once. Rocky is now known as Sandy.

He avoids checking players through the glass only to prevent hurting the fans.

He has caused the goal to dislodge itself.

He was forced to play a year in the minors so NHL players had time to prepare for him.

For Earth day he crushed the Stanley Cup on his forehead and recycled it.

His tattoos keep sweating off.

The opposing team's scouting report is always "Shea Weber let us live.”

He sets the salary cap to whatever he wants it to be.

His beard once drew a too many men on the ice penalty.

Toronto calls his beard to decide if the goal counts.

The St. Louis Blues list their entire team as a healthy scratch when they play him.

He thought the Norris Trophy was named after Chuck Norris. So now it is.

The Phoenix Coyotes are relocating to his beard.

Has the Detroit Red Wings considering a relocation to Hamilton, Ontario.

His beard knocked the Dallas Stars out of the playoff race.

His beard finished higher in the standings than the Toronto Maple Leafs.

His beard has more season ticket holders than the Columbus Blue Jackets.

Shea Weber's beard keeps Jordin Tootoo warm when he goes home to the Artic.

His deflected shots have downed Russian spacecraft.

He uses the Stanley Cup... for a shot glass.

There's not really line changes in hockey, only all the players want off when he steps on to the ice.

In the summer he likes to water ski... behind the boat on Deadliest Catch.

As a side item for his steak... he gets another steak.

He never dekes, players just move out of the way.

He throws Detroit Red Wings on to the ice as good luck after the National Anthem.

Guns don’t kill people… Shea Weber slapshots kill people.

Pucks from his slapshot are the only thing to escape Black Holes.

Someone trolled Shea's post once. They're now missing hands.

Terminators refuse to travel back in time and confront Shea Weber.

Pucks from his slapshot can travel back thru time. When asked what he would change about his past, Shea responded "Nothing.”

He splits pucks in two just to get at their creamy center.

His beard is home to several Amazon tribes.

There is no chin behind Shea Weber’s beard… only a game tying goal with 35.3 seconds left in regulation.

His beard doesn't sweat. It glistens.

His beard speaks fluent Wookie.

Since 1985, the year Shea Weber was born, slapshot related deaths have increased 6,000%.

The San Jose Sharks have a week dedicated to him.

Wayne Gretzky retired his number.

He uses Ryan Kesler's face for a speed bag.

Prior to playing Shea Weber, the Sedins were once triplets.

When Shea Weber swims in the ocean, killer whales beach themselves.

His pre-game meal is the other team. And pasta.

He's blocked shots with just a steely stare.

He shoots pucks through the net just to be certain.

He won the hardest slap shot contest... with a backhand.

He's silenced the opposition's rink... with an icing.

He once scored on a tip-in... from center ice.

He's won both best offensive defenseman and best defensive forward awards.

His beard grew a playoff beard.

His Round 1 handshake last season sent 4 Ducks to the injured reserve list.

Shea Weber gets a free Frosty anytime he pleases.

Sabertooth tigers wear Shea Weber logos on their chests.

He gave Sidney Crosby a concussion... with his pinky.

Shea was force to quit the rodeo... the bulls kept getting hurt.

Shea Weber doesn't text... he carves.

He is sorry about the tornadoes but he had to practice.

There's never been a movie about Shea Weber. James Cameron says the effects just aren't there yet.

Shea's favorite color is pain.

Shea's parents put him in time-out once. He let them go with a warning.

Shea Weber poked someone on Facebook, it left them with cracked ribs.

We can neither confirm or deny that it was a Shea Weber slapshot that took out Bin Laden.

Tennessee is changing its name to Tennesshea.

Quebec City is relocating to Shea Weber's beard. Yes, the whole city.

The crossbar Shea hit is in the shop for repairs.

Shea Weber doesn't get mad, he enacts vengeance.

Whoop Ass opens a can of Shea Weber.

Let me know which are your faves, or if you have any to add.

The entire list available here:

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