I believe most who know me would feel that I’m pretty good
at handling money. I’ve never been
in deep debt. I buy my cars pre-owned
and with cash. My home, which I
moved into in ‘99, was paid off in less than eight years. I didn’t utilize a
single credit card until I was in my mid-thirties, and even now, I pay it off
every month. While running my own
business for over a decade, I was able to keep things running fairly smoothly
with payroll and other overhead despite the rollercoaster ride that is the
music business. I was freakin’ Dave Ramsey before Dave Ramsey existed!
Being able to tithe at least 10% of my earnings to spiritual
and social causes that I believe in has been a blessing. Seeking out good
advisors has allowed me to parlay various investments in mutual funds into a
nice cushion for the future (might as well plan on Social Security not having much left for many of us in our retiring years). Since good health is
important to me, I’ve invested in balanced diet, health club memberships,
vitamins, and regular physicals and dental check-ups. Ongoing education is a
priority as well, and I’ve been able to attend seminars, buy books,
periodicals, tapes, CD’s, DVD’s, etc. that have helped feed my mind, broaden my
horizons, and inspire me.
According to American standards, I’m pretty much your average
schlub. I think my income level
would be a trackable barometer for “the middle class.” Of course, by the overall world’s
graph, I would be in the top 5% of wage earners. And historical economists calculate that I would be in the
top 1/2 of 1% in wealth over the course of mankind’s time on the planet…so I
truly have much to be thankful for in comparison with all around me, and all
that have gone before.
But there is one area of financial endeavor where I
sometimes question my judgment, where I on occasion wonder, “what the heck was
I thinking?” This is realm of spending on women. Now, don’t get me wrong…I like women. And there have been many that I gladly
gave of my resources to please and it brought much enjoyment to our time
together.
It’s just that I’ve been a bit on the introspective side of
things lately, and as I was taking emotional inventory of my singleness, I also
decided to do some actual counting.
Before you jump to the conclusion that I must be some sort of weirdo who
collects his own hair from the shower drain, or retains each burnt-out light bulb
he’s ever used, or keeps a chart on every phone call he’s made since junior
high school…well, don’t worry. I
am blessed with a pretty good memory, and I also do have all of my notebook
calendars that help organize my life from the past several decades. But I didn’t have to refer to those
much—most of what I am about to recount is off the top of my head, and
literally only took about an hour of “ciphering.” It’s not like I have kept some sort of master chart or
copious notes in a complex diary or anything of the sort.
Through pondering how many dates I go out on in a given
month over the past thirty years, what an average date costs (dinner, the
featured event, coffee/desert afterwards, and transportation), and then doing
the basic math, I came up with the bulk of the figure. Of course, there were additional costs
that came in for the exceptional relationships. Things like airline tickets for her to come see me, or me to
go see her, or for us to both go to the Caribbean or Las Vegas or Pacific Coast
or the Rockies together. Or paying
for rooms at resorts, beachside cabanas, and luxury hotels. Or more involved costs like
parasailing, cross country skiing, swimming with dolphins, snowmobiling, hiring
tour guides, camping trips, helicopter rides, horse trails, dinner trains,
limousines…you get the picture.
Then there are other items to be added into the Ledger of
Love like cards and flowers (this certainly has gone into the thousands), and gifts
of all sorts including jewelry, perfume, clothing, purses, paintings,
sculptures, furniture, books of poetry, embroidery, decorative scented candles,
ceramics, doilies, knick-knacks, brick-a-brack, and sometimes even
gave-her-dog-a-bone.
Of course there are infrastructure costs to be considered as
well, like long distance phone bills, shipping of goods, duplication of (and
framing) of photos, stationary, postcards, stamps, pay phones (those have
pretty much disappeared, haven’t they?), overnight delivery shipments, and the
like.
So, what’s the bottom line? $63,000 as best I can figure. That’s considerably more than an average
year’s salary during those years.
And this doesn’t count things like wear and tear on my
vehicle, car washes, getting haircuts, colognes, a portion of the health club
memberships that is appropriated for trying to become “buff,” investing in
clothes to make myself more appealing, home décor, dance classes, ski lessons, and
the fees for psychotherapy sessions brought on from all of the above. Lord knows all of that could add tens
of thousands more to the columns.
But $63,000…wow.
That’s more than I’ve spent on anything besides taxes, housing, and donations
in my life. Yes, it’s more than
I’ve invested in categories like groceries, transportation, insurance, stock
portfolios, and entertainment.
It’s almost double what I have
spent on furnishings, clothing, health club memberships and sports combined. It’s also 50% more than on utilities and phone bills over
that span.
And I certainly don’t mean to discount what my counterparts
on the female side of the ledger have had to invest. My guess is my totals are nothing compared to what some
single women I know have gone through.
The fashion industry socks it to ladies by charging easily three times
as much for clothing, shoes, and accessories. Hair appointments regularly take at least four times as long
as a man’s and are quadruple the cost as well. Then there’s make-up, dieting, buns of steel DVD’s,
plucking, shaving, waxing, tanning, softening, deep cleansing, moisturizing,
manicures, pedicures, liposuction, collagen injections, nip/tuck procedures,
boob jobs, and on and on it goes.
Nor would I be at all surprised if large shares of the women
I’ve dated have endured subsequent and extensive counseling, which has taken a
toll not only on their pocketbooks, but also their psyches. I wonder if I ought to get a referral
fee with area psychotherapists the business I bring their way?
Anyway…all of this causes deep consternation. As I said earlier, I have fond memories
of my dates, and have enjoyed some terrific relationships over the years. So, it’s not my intent to sound like
this has been excruciating for me.
Far from it. I’m a social
being who loves the interaction with a lovely feminine friend.
I suppose it’s just that I look back over all that spending
and wonder what the “bottom line” is?
I’m still single, with no obvious prospects. Thus it has been and most likely will remain.
When the U.S. population crossed the three hundred million
milestone half a decade ago many new demographic studies were released. A particularly intriguing one showed
that now, for the first time in our history, there are more single adults in
the U.S. than those that are married or living with someone of the opposite
sex. That’s pretty stunning when
you think of it.
We all seem to be circling, looking for a place to land…but
are simultaneously seeing so many wrecked marriages and others folks who have
been damaged by “committed” relationships gone awry that we are hesitant to
join long-term with someone else. It’s odd that we spend copious amounts of
time and money trying to be attractive, yet being increasingly reserved about
actually entering into a deeper commitment.
Would I be so preoccupied with this spending if I had found
the love of my life, and continued to invest in our relationship as we grew in
our journey together? I don’t think
so, for I would be seeing it as an ongoing development and expression of our
deepening care. But when that
doesn’t exist with a particular someone, the cost starts to feel rather hollow
and pointless when put on a cumulative scale.
So…where do I head from here? Most likely, continuing this cycle to some extent since I’m
not sure what the alternative is.
But over the recent couple of years I am certainly trying to think more
carefully about how I invest my time and resources if it doesn’t appear that it
will lead towards anything meaningful.
Dating just to date seems like an oft-silly luxury, and an obscenely
expensive one at that. All the preening that goes along with it (under the
guise of looking good for someone else) at its core seems so self-centered.
We’ve read that where your treasure is, there your heart
will be also. I want to do better
at investing more wisely, and as a result, I think my heart might be less
bruised in the process.
Of course, none of this can protect one from a broken heart. That’s a whole other subject for another day.
